Because Andy Said So

Chapter Four walks up to the bar and sits down with a weary sigh. They ask the bartender for something high in alcohol and vast in volume. “Well, friends,” they say to the other patrons after accepting a rather large glass of amber liquid, “looks like she’s coming for me now. I knew it was just a matter of time, but I guess I thought it would take longer.” Two gives their friend a sympathetic look. “That sucks, cuz.” “Really?” Three responds to Two with vodka-scented acid dripping from their words. “What do you know about it? She kept most of you. Just renamed you.” With a shrug, Two says, “It’s called empathy,” before turning back to the hockey game on the nearby screen. They take a sip of their beer and mutter something about how they've lost any sense of who they are thanks to the author, thank you very much. “Know what she did to me?” Three asks, ignoring Two's mutters. “She told me she was going to keep one of my plot points. Made me think at least a little part of me woul...

Me: Hey, Chapter Three. How are you doing? Chapter Three: (nervous chuckle) Little worried, actually. Me: So, you talked to Chapter 1, huh? Well, I wish I could tell you that you shouldn't be worried, but that would be dishonest... The good news is that I am going to keep one of your plot points. Chapter Three (tearing up): One of them? I hit five! Me: It was six. But the thing is, we only need one of them. The others are too repetitive, talk down to the reader by spelling out things that should be inferable, or simply don't need covering. Chapter Three: (stunned silence) Me: But don't feel bad. We're going to bring in parts of Chapters four and five for you to cover. (On the other side of a doorway, Chapters four and five regard each other in horror.)  

Me: Chapter Two? Everything alright? Chapter Two: Yeah, I guess. I mean, I feel pretty gutted. And confused. Like all of a sudden I'm not sure who I am? Me: I think that's a perfectly normal way for you to feel, Chapter Two. I took some of your concepts and rewrote them into Chapter One. And then I took a few and pasted them into the New Chapter Two. So it makes sense that you'd be dealing with a little bit of confusion in regards to your identity. Chapter Two: Um... Okay? I don't understand any of that. Can I go lay down? Me: Yes, Chapter Two. Get a little bit of rest and hopefully you'll feel better before the next round of revisions. Chapter Two: The next..? You know what, I can't deal with that. I'm going home early. Me: Yeah, that's fair.

Me: Hey, New Chapter One! Do you have a minute. New Chapter One: I guess... (approaches with trepidation) Me: So let's discuss the new opening passages! What do you think about them? New Chapter One: I mean, I like them? Me: They made me cry!  New Chapter One: Oh. I'm sor- Me: No, don't apologize. That's a good thing. I think you're going to do a MUCH better job of connecting with readers than your predecessors! New Chapter One: What? Really? Me: Yes, really! I just wanted to tell you that you're doing a great job! Now get out there and kick some more ass!

Me: Hello, Chapter One. Thank you for coming. Have a seat. Chapter One: Um. Me: So I'm looking over your achievements, Chapter One. I wonder how you feel about them in relation to the book as a whole. Chapter One: I honestly don't know why I'm here. Me: It is such a relief to hear you say that! I was thinking your content would be better presented in summary form in what is now Chapter Two, but which will now become the new Chapter One. Chapter One: What? No, I meant I don't know why I'm in your office! Me: Well, that is unfortunate, Chapter One.

Me: So, Blog... Long time, no talkie. Blog: Yep. I'm glad to hear you didn't completely forget about me. Me: Uh... Yeah... So, anyway... I don't know how to tell you this, but I need you to be something else. Something different. Blog: What do you mea- Hey! Did you just delete all of my entries? Me: I did, yes. Sorry it has to be like that. I hope things will be better going foward. Blog: Better for whom? Me: Well, the readers. See, you really weren't very interesting before. I think we can have a nice new format and it'll actually entertain people. That's why both of us exists, isn't it? To entertain people. Blog: I guess. You could have talked to me first, though. Me: That's not really how our relationship works. On your way out the door, why don't you tell... (glances at planner) That Faerie Story Chapter One to come in and have a seat? Thanks bunches.