Monday, August 19, 2013

The Melancholy Hedgehog

Dear World,

I am a sad little hedgehog. Melancholy. Depressed.

Why am I depressed? Because I have a brain that reacts to the slightest distress by launching an all out war on itself. And the last year has brought me more than slight distress.

I don't want to write a whine about everything that has helped me upset myself because I don't think that would be productive. But the depression is bad enough now that I feel people who know me need to know about it, and most of them don't.

Every time the depression returns, it's a little different. This time it feels quieter than before, something I keep under stronger guard than before. When it finally became apparent to my beloved how bad things had gotten, he was shocked. Usually he sees when I start to descend, but this time I did a very good job of hiding it.

I don't want people to worry about me. I am getting help. And I've gotten through this before. But if I take longer to respond to you than normal or continue to not want to post much or spend the day quietly beading rather than going to an event you want me at, please understand it's because I'm not well.

Writing this has brought tears to my eyes and I'm glad. One of the stranger parts of this round of depression has been an inability to cry even when I feel like I should be crying. So see my tears as evidence I'm healing and be relieved with me to see them.

Depressed hedgehog is depressed. She's going to be hard to get out of her little ball and she needs to be handled with care. But if she loved you before this hit, she still loves you. And she promises she'll get better.

Love, Andy


Dee Solberg said...

Take care of you. We'll keep, and be here waiting when you're ready.

George Seasons said...

I have a timelapse video of me shaving my head if that will help. Dont worry I kept the beard for now. Also up your intake of dark chocolate apples and spinach. All known to keep dementor attacks short.

ananda.tashie said...

Sending you love and reeeaaally big ((hugs)), Andy!